“Marrying a ‘commoner’ was never my wish as a young woman,” says 56-year old Sarojini. Touching her wedding ring with her slender fingers she goes on. “As every young woman I too had an ‘ideal man’ in my mind - a very handsome, outgoing, well-to-do young guy.”
Born to an elite family she had never used public transport and lived a life distanced from ‘ordinary’ people and was always seen among the ‘posh’ crowds.
“However my fate made me travel by train with a distant relative of mine and that tour changed my life, my way of thinking and my attitude towards life completely.” While on board she met a well-educated lower middle class young man who showed a great deal of interest in her. Initially she was horrified at the mere idea of marrying a ‘commoner’, but finally she had to admit that she was head over heels in love with him and that she wanted to marry him.
Today as a mother of two children and a contented wife she tells that she would have regretted it for the rest of her life had she refused his offer 30 years ago. “My decision was a challenge for me, but the correct one. You will never meet ‘the perfect man’ as such men do not exist in reality. It is up to you to make an imperfect man perfect. What matters is genuine love and understanding,” she chuckled, “you can create the man in your mind out of the one you love”.
moreNot uncommon
Waiting for the ‘ideal man’ is not so uncommon in any society and many girls have their own interpretations of it. While some girls woo fictitious characters like Mr Darcy, others may want their future husbands to have characteristics or appearance similar to their favourite movie stars, cricketers or politicians! So goes the story...
However, Ruwanthi, working for a reputed state organization, who suffered from the aftermath of a lost love, said that she never had a ‘role model’ in her mind. “I did not want to continue the affair as he always tried to control me unnecessarily. I was not even allowed to call my friends or do my job peacefully. So I thought of ending that relationship as I sensed the overhanging dangers of marrying such a man.”
Today she is content to wait till she finds her right partner. “He should be educated, love me for who I am and respect my job and should to understand the difficulties I undergo in my life. If I am ready to make any sacrifices for him he too should be able to do the same in return.” This is her concept of ‘an ideal man’.
But 23-year old Neranjala is not yet ready to give up her struggle. She waits till she meets her ‘ideal man’, a tall, sportive doctor who has an estate as huge as ‘Pemberley’. “I have already said ‘no’ to a few university guys and I have no regrets.” She laughed.
Not all girls are lucky enough to meet the identical person whom they have in their mind. “But that does not mean it is an impossible task. I have a friend of mine who waited for years till she met the person of her choice. She did eventually find the man she was looking for.” Said Shenali, a 30-year old photojournalist.
According to 27-year old Shashika you should never refuse a boy simply because his characteristics and appearance do not resemble those of your ‘ideal man’. “If he is well educated and well behaved why do you care even if he does not have all the qualities of the man in your dreams? After all ‘a dream is a dream’... Why do you not make use of the man who is ‘in your hand’ thinking of the one ‘in the bush’,” she said.
Sashika now regrets her decision to stop her university affair of several years. “Not that I did not love him. But when my parents brought me a proposal I instantly fell for him as he was socially superior to my boyfriend.
My husband is a millionaire and tries to provide me all the comforts. But to this date I cannot get over the guilt. I know that I still love my university boyfriend.
So it is rather better to consider the emotional aspects too before giving up an affair. I am a victim of this so called ‘ideal man’ concept,” she said wiping her tears away.
What should a girl do if she finds it so difficult to forget a guy she met accidentally, whose eyes she found so innocent and whose disposition she found so pleasant, even though her ‘ego’ compels her to wait for the ‘ideal’ man? What if you suddenly fall in love with a guy who does not have any of the qualities of your ‘ideal’ man whom you have in your mind? What if a girl suddenly ‘finds out’ that she has fallen in love with the guy who was so harsh to her during the first few months of her university life? Thousands of ‘What ifs’ are on the line.
“All your ‘ideal guys’ have ‘uncommon’ characteristics which are hard to find in real life. You find them perfect, noble, and belong to the fairy-tale type because they do not exist in the real world,” says my protagonist Sarojini.
Which option will you take? Waiting till Mr Darcy takes you to Pemberley or start a new life with the one you already know?
To wait or not to wait; that’s the million dollar question
(Names have been changed)
Samangie Wettimuny - Daily News
