By Max Davidson
‘Sorry’ really is the hardest word, says Max Davidson, author of a new book on the subject
When did you last receive a gracious apology? When did you last hear a public figure make a convincing apology? Come to that, when did you last make a gracious apology yourself?
The British used to excel at saying sorry. If grovelling were an Olympic sport, we would win gold, silver and bronze. But saying sorry in words that ring true is another matter. The norm these days is a half-baked apology for an apology, couched in weasel words that have been run past a lawyer.
Listen to Jeremy Clarkson grovelling in 2009, after he had called Gordon Brown "a one-eyed Scottish idiot" on a visit to Australia: "In the heat of the moment, I made a remark about the Prime Minister’s personal appearance for which, on reflection, I apologise." This is a verbal car crash. Do you reckon the curly-locked loudmouth is genuinely sorry? He is just going through the motions.
Or how about this turkey of an apology by Labour’s Tessa Jowell at the height of the parliamentary expenses scandal: "If you feel that we, the government, fall short of what you expect, then I say sorry for that." Ah, so it was all the voters’ fault, for expecting politicians to behave themselves. There is not an iota of genuine contrition there.
Elton John was right. "Sorry" really is the hardest word, not just because it is difficult to admit you are in the wrong, but because the word itself is so vague. How many people say sorry, but do not actually apologise?
Phrasing an apology just right takes surgical skill – and if you want to master that skill, and maintain good relations with your nearest and dearest, you need to avoid the Seven Deadly Sins of Apologising.
1 The apology that doubles as an excuse
If you are going to eat humble pie, eat humble pie. Don’t act like a defence lawyer and enter the pleas in mitigation at the same time as you are apologising. "I’m sorry, darling" is 20 times better than "I’m sorry, darling: I was tired/under pressure/it was two in the morning/I had been drinking/it really wasn’t much more than a fumbled kiss". Leave the excuses till later.
2 The conditional apology
Saying sorry is, or should be, a pure act, like a declaration of love. If you have to qualify an apology, or make it conditional, you are copping out. So avoid at all costs apologies of the "I’m sorry if I have upset you" variety. You have upset the other person – accept responsibility for it.
3 Crocodile tears
There is a natural temptation to blub like a baby when apologising – I do it all the time. But tears won’t reinforce your apology; they will undermine it. However wretched you are feeling, it is not your feelings that are paramount but those of the person you have hurt. So don’t turn your apology into a self-serving pantomime of grief. Take your medicine like a man – assuming you are a man, which if you are in the doghouse, you probably are.
4 Deflecting the blame
Ever since Adam grassed Eve up in the Garden of Eden ("The woman gave to me and I did eat"), people caught with their trousers down, their foot in their mouth or their hand in the till have sought scapegoats. But it is not gallant to blame other people for your own shortcomings. Remember all those MPs who tried to foist the blame onto the House of Commons Fees Office? Don’t fall into the same trap.
5 The watered-down apology
How many of us bail out at the last minute when apologising? We water down our apologies with milksop phrases like "with hindsight", "on reflection" or "errors of judgment" when we are guilty of something more serious. The apology ends up so weakly phrased that it is hardly worth making. It is always better to make a generous, unstinting apology than a mealy-mouthed one.
6 Syntactical confidence tricks
English is one of the most slippery languages on the planet, and "sorry" one of the most slippery words: riddled with ambiguities, infuriatingly imprecise. "I’m sorry for what I did" is an apology. "I’m sorry about what happened" is an expression of regret. Don’t use the elasticity of the language as an excuse for pseudo-apologies. Say sorry properly and in plain English.
7 The token apology
This subspecies of apology has become a blot on the landscape of modern Britain. We live in such politically correct times that we are terrified of offending anyone for any reason. Someone only has to complain – about bad language on television, say – and however fatuous their complaint, they can expect a blandly worded apology "for any offence caused". Token apologies do far more harm than good. Say sorry when you have to and don’t beat about the bush. But don’t devalue the currency by saying sorry the minute someone demands it.
Sorry… The Hardest Word and How to Use It by Max Davidson (Constable and Robinson, £9.99) is available for £9.99 plus 99p post & packing from Telegraph Books. Call 0844 871 1515 or visit books.telegraph.co.uk
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