NanA new year means resolutions, at least to me. I was a fiendish addict at resolution making every late December. I used to write them down in my best handwriting (so I could read them) and often referred to the good intentions, but seeing how many I had broken by the time February set in, I closed the book. Married and a conservative wife (!) I had no way of keeping my resolutions since they were invariably subsumed to husband and sons. Now I make resolutions only mentally like ‘live the moment’ and ‘be more conscious of every act you perform’. The first one since time flies past and one might as well make the most of every minute; the second to not have to go looking for my specs or get a pang wondering whether I had left the key outside in the door after I returned home from an errand.
I got fifty bits of good advice from a dear one and most struck me as excellent. So I pass the best on to you in this first article of my column for 2011. I intend grouping them and embellishing the resolutions with comments. I offer them to you with all good wishes for the New Year that we are embarking on.
About us
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and children will. Stay in touch. I suppose that bit of advice is not needed by us extended family living, gregarious Sri Lankans. There are, however, people among us who claim self sufficiency and decline closeness for fear it will descend to dependency. But even they need to hold another’s hand sometimes and be supported. We need to have trust in another, or others, and be confident they will be there for us. One truth to keep in mind is that you cannot expect to get without giving. So keep relationships going, and make them close and satisfying to both parties. And be generous – not in rupees but in concern, affection and regard. Maybe I should add another admonition here: Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone. Empathy is valuable, sympathy a brahma vihara by the name of karuna.
Save for retirement starting with your first pay check. And I would add don’t rely on EPF, ETF and interest on deposits. A monthly pension is regular even though ours in SL are paltry but thank goodness for this mercy. When I retired very early in life with just twenty years of service, my husband pooh poohed the pension as insignificant and advised me to forget it when I had a spot of trouble with the authorities after my claim was submitted. Mercifully however, my brother got me to persist. Thank heavens and him for this monthly income – totally inadequate to even pay telephone and electricity bills but it comes regularly. I had plenty advise to save but never did so after marriage. Fortunately no regrets about grasshoppering, although I have no vast comforting nest egg to fall back on. My kids are wiser than me; avoided inheriting this gene.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. That’s hard to tell a woman and impossible to tell a male, especially someone you love or your spouse. But so much sweat and bother and rising blood pressure could be eliminated if only we had the grace to back down, admit fault even when faultless.
Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present. That’s really valid since there is no limit and absolutely no merit in regretting the past. The Buddha said this too; regretting is a waste of energy and time that could be used to so much greater benefit. It’s we women who tie ourselves in knots of regret and suffer on account of buts, it could have beens and if onlys. Useless! So come to a truce with regrets and focus on the present.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special. In other words live and be affordably extravagant! This is for the hoarder, the stingy person, even the one who anticipates and prepares for a rainy day. The pessimist and groaner too. How much better to indulge now, enjoy what one has. This minute, this day, this opportunity will never come back.
Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple. We were so bound by convention and ‘what people would think’ that we dared not wear a flower in our hair when young Strict upbringing and husband’s looks of disapproval got us to tread the straight and narrow even in harmless pursuits. But with age the inhibitions evaporate and we not only wear purple but dance in it and laugh and sing when we feel so inclined.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. That is important since if in a bed of roses there is no call to strive or with age we become froggy stayers at home, too considerate of a knee pain or sniffle, we miss out on life as it should be lived. I personally have found troubles evaporate and I feel less weighty when I get out and see people moving around. I get diminished to size and my trouble too falls into perspective. Outsized egos are also killers - if not of life at least of the joy we get out of living. And egotists bore others soon enough. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does, is a follow up rule. Excellent advice for those very many preening themselves as better than the next person.
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. This applies to the material but more to emotional baggage. Why burden yourself with unpleasant memories, sorrows, disappointments? They should be used as teaching experiences and then discarded. There’s no end to the grudges you can bear against the spouse, bosses, relatives, in-laws, friends, life itself. Much easier and far pleasanter to travel light. You will journey longer and much more joyfully.
Relationships
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it. OK, OK, very true, very correct. But there are exceptions and the forbidden fruit is always delightful even if in the end you burn your fingers. One great corollary to this is, never hurt another, never ever take what is not meant to be yours. And the next saying goes along with this. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. Love does not mean romantic love or passion or sexual desire alone. It is love of and for your parents, siblings, friends, animals. In short love for all sentient beings as the Buddha preached, where fellow feeling and compassion accompany love.
What other people think of you is none of your business. Easier said than done! One needs to be circumspect, do the correct thing and then if people think less of you, let them. Even if you are outrageous! One advantage about getting older is that this axiom is easier to abide by. The mature person does not mind what others say about him/her if the person does no major wrong like stealing another’s spouse, mongers gossip, exploits the disadvantaged and children, is mean and nasty in short.
Life
Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good. Also, Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
Here one definitely needs to be a person who sees the tumbler half full. We do go through life without appreciating the fact we breathe and live but later in life we appreciate every minute of living.
Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. It’s like seeing the grass greener across the fence. Those who believe in karma and cause and effect reconcile themselves better to vicissitudes in life and also enjoy the pleasure of substituting envy with the wholesome quality of joy in others’ well being. Yes, contentment with what you have is so comforting to body, emotions and mind. Another saying in the same vein: If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
Believe in miracles. The word miracle now has a political connotation. The Hambantota port is claimed to be a miracle and Sri Lanka famously is heading to being the miracle of Asia, in the face of people getting poorer and finding it more and more impossible to plain live. Our country being a small miracle was not miracle enough! Maybe marvelous buildings and highways and mega airports et al with no consideration for the welfare of the people is a miracle. So I substitute the word serendipity for miracle in the advice to believe in it. Yes, have faith that you suddenly will come bang against a wonder, something good for you, something delightfully surprising, whether an opportunity, thing or person. Recognize it as serendipitous, appreciate and enjoy it/him/her.
Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. Ponder on that and near death experiences and you’ll realize the truth of the saying.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer. Politicians have made a science, art and craft of it. And they definitely are no example to follow unless you want to degrade yourself. What you love in life of course must be within the law, within social norms, legitimate. Love must be pursued, caught and nurtured. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young. Completely self explanatory
General
The most important sex organ is the brain. Ha! Ha! Good for the Lothario’s who think they are god’s gift to womankind! And Blue Stockings, don’t worry, you will be treasured more than the pretty pretty giddy girl though she beats you at first sight.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you. So stop blaming others, even karma or destiny for your troubles. You deserve them for transgressions committed in this life or past lives. Happiness is at hand to grab and nurture. Two corollaries: However good or bad a situation is, it will change. And Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
Nan did not intend pontificating. She merely wanted to list a few truths, many self evident, most already known but often forgotten. With these come her very best wishes to each of her readers for a fine 2011 with hope that living decently will be affordable and peace and justice reinstated in this wonderful land of ours!
Sunday Island
