Dr. B.J.C.Perera MBBS(Ceylon), DCH(Ceylon), DCH(England), MD(Paediatrics), FRCP(Edinburgh), FRCP(London), FRCPCH(United Kingdom), FSLCPaed, FCCP, FCGP(Sri Lanka) Consultant Paediatrician
Everyone agrees that our children are the most precious gifts that we have ever received or will ever receive in our lives. Indeed, children alter our life even before they are born. In many homes, parents yearn for them, plan for them and dream about them even before they enter this world. Most people talk about the complete love, the care and attention given so willingly by parents. However, very few would even talk of the very same sentiments that grandparents have for grandchildren. They are as special as the many wonderful emotions expressed with regard to parents and their children.
The word "grandparents" conjures up a unique world where the dual role of parenting is kind of grandly displayed. Grandparents act as shock absorbers which cushion the aftershocks and they also act as bouncing boards which help to combat and even bounce off a range of emotions. The different roles they play only serve to emphasize their vital link in the family. With a wealth of old world experience behind them and having the unique ability of being able to metamorphose from advisers and listeners to mediators and friends, they can offer guidance, support and stability. The underlying sense of responsibility that goes with this is tremendous. The role of grandparents in children’s lives is varied. It is imperial at times, muted at others and goes underground whenever required but it is generally solid all the time and absolutely dependable. Grandies are constantly performing artistes who do the balancing act all the time between their adult children and their grandchildren.Grandparents are often called upon to bridge the gap between parents and their children. Rebellious independent children who are trying to find their own feet are almost always at loggerheads with their parents. The role of the grandparents can be very important provided they act as impartial judges and are able to convey this feeling to both parties. Grandchildren prefer to listen to the grandparents rather than the parents with whom they are unfortunately involved in everyday tussles. The sense of objectivity and the absence of bias lend a sense of credibility to their roles as mediators. Honestly done, this goes a long way in lulling both parties into a sense of arbitration. Gulfs may perhaps widen at times but at the same time bridges are also built.
One important thing which seems to be missing in the lives of children today is the sense of family, values, religious beliefs and principles. This is where the grandparents could step in. Inculcating beliefs and values are not as easy as it was 50-60 years ago. At that time, no questions were asked and there was an implicit sense of belief. With changing times and changing outlooks, children have started to question the authenticity of everything. They do not believe until they are convinced,. Globalization has eroded the sense of belonging and identity with their roots, and science and technology has them questioning everything. The parents who are already fighting constantly with time are perhaps not in a position to inculcate these values. Children are very demanding and grandparents without appearing to be pushy have all the time and experience to deal with tantrums. They appease, soothe, and impart values with tremendous ease. The grandparents being on the periphery but perhaps playing a central role can perform this function to perfection.
The ability to love, shower affection and willingness to help and comfort their grand children has made grandparents indispensable. There can be no gainsaying the fact that their role is as important as the role of parents. Their timeless experience, their patience and their ability to create a non-compulsive learning environment is something that many parents have learnt to rely on. This means that the role of grandparents in children upbringing can never really be relegated to the background. A paren, who has ever turned to his or her parents or the spouse’s parents for help and support with child-rearing knows how wonderful grandparents can be. Although physical distance and parenting differences can sometimes come between grandparents, their children and their grandchildren, encouraging a close relationship can benefit everyone involved.
Establishing a bond with grandparents can benefit children in many ways. Grandparents can be great role models and influences, and they can provide a sense of cultural heritage and family history. Grandparents provide their grandkids with love, have their best interests at heart, and can make them feel safe. Grandparents also encourage a child’s healthy development. Overnight trips to Grandma’s house, for example, may be less traumatic than sleepovers with peers and can help children develop independence. Another benefit is that grandparents may have lots of time to spend playing and reading to children. Such dedicated attention only improves a child’s developmental and learning skills.
Many, many years ago, families stayed close together throughout their lifetimes. Whether it was due to the difficulty of travelling hundreds of miles or the need to stick together in order to find adequate food, shelter and security, most families consisted of at least 3 generations. If they did not live in the same home, at least they lived within the same community. Children were raised by parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles. They became accustomed to seeing both younger adults and the elderly in their separate roles. They were well acquainted with the aging process and it was accepted. The elderly were respected for their knowledge and the younger folks helped to meet their needs as they aged. Social isolation during our later years was less of an issue as families remained closer. The beauty of this relationship is that children could benefit from the wisdom of their elders, develop a sense of respect, compassion and caring for seniors, and learn from experience that aging is an acceptable process. Parents on the other hand had the assistance of the elders in the work of caring for their family while the elderly were allowed to be useful and to experience the joy that children can bring.
Over time of course families have changed. Most unfortunately today, many children have little involvement with their grandparents. With the ease of travel making relocation simple and job opportunities often calling families away from their birth home, families have increasingly been separated from their elderly relatives. Despite cell phones, e-mail and the relative ease of travelling back to see a grandparent on special occasions, these types of interactions do limit the quality of the relationship between children and elderly family members. Even for those children who have grandparents in their lives, a separation often occurs once illness
or disability begins to enter the picture. Although this separation often occurs for understandable reasons, it would seem that actively working to increase the connection between children and grandparents, or at least children and the elderly in general would be a wise move.
However, in today’s world, families may be scattered across the country and jam-packed school and work schedules may interfere with regular time with grandparents. Despite physical distance or busy schedules, one could encourage children to develop a closer bond with their grandparents. If the child’s grandparents live nearby, parents must try their best to carve time out of their hectic schedules for regular visits to them and enable the grandchildren to be with them. It is also most useful to encourage grandparents to drop by at the child’s home too. One needs to plan regular trips to see out-of-town grandmas and grandpas. Even if visits are infrequent, anticipating and planning the next trip can help a child feel that the time spent with the grandparents is very special. When they are quite a distance away, use of modern communication portals such as the telephone and email to talk, write, and send pictures and sound files of children to grandparents is a very desirable practice. One could even have a grandparent record a reading of a favourite story and play it for the children at bedtime. Sometimes it is a very good idea to post snapshots of grandparents in the home and point them out to the children often or keep family pictures in a special photo album and page through it while naming the family members. Children love receiving mail and regular letters to and from grandparents is a thing that they would look forward to. Many grandparents have hobbies or special skills which they would love to pass on to their grandchildren. One must provide children with the time and tools needed to learn these skills from their grandparents.
Whether grandparents live nearby or one is planning to visit them, one should not forget to make safety a priority. Grandparents may not be accustomed to having young children in the house and the presence of household dangers could mar visits with trips to the doctor and the emergency rooms of hospitals. One needs to use a household safety checklist and collaborate with the grandparents to childproof the home, ensuring that dangerous items and substances such as cleaning products, medications, razors and knives are out of reach or locked in a cabinet. It is a very good idea to walk through the home with the grandparents to address any potential safety hazards. They may not realize that small or breakable items pose a choking or safety risk as well. Taking these precautions ahead of time can free children and grandparents to make the most of their special time together.
Grandparents really are a boon to the "time-poor" working parents without the time, patience or the inclination to do quite a lot of the things that should be done for children. Many such parents are incredibly indebted to the grandparents for filling in the "parenting gap" in the lives of their children. The findings of the first national survey, led by Oxford University, about the relationships that children have with their grandparents has shown just how much they can contribute to a child’s wellbeing. It seems that not only do teenagers value intergenerational bonds but that grandparents’ active involvement produces better adjusted adolescents.
In particular, taking part in grandchildren’s hobbies and interests was found to be linked with fewer emotional, social and behavioural problems. Apparently grandparents who get stuck in and do things with their grandchildren are those who bring the most emotional benefits. Obviously, there are huge advantages for grandchildren of this kind of active grand-parenting.
Sixty per cent of childcare provision in the UK is provided by grandparents, saving the UK economy 4 billion pounds sterling a year. It seems that many UK grandparents are playing a role as educators, helping children with homework and providing advice and support. Grandparents are the ones with whom adolescents feel able to discuss their plans for their future. "They’re very supportive and helpful when it comes to what career to take and that kind of thing," said one teenage boy. And at times of family breakdown and separation, grandparents play an important role in bringing stability.
Children who learn from a young age to care for others tend to grow into caring adults. Caring for pets, for the needy, for the elderly and the grandparents can have a long lasting influence on the character development of children. Many children have a bias towards the elderly. Including the elderly in the lives of younger children assures a more ready acceptance of such individuals in later life. The benefits potentially go beyond this however. If children see elderly individuals dealing with disabilities and continuing on with their lives as either productive, happy or loving individuals, then they will be more accepting of this process in their own lives in later years.
Clearly grandparents should neither be underestimated nor taken for granted. They do perform a very valuable role in child rearing but yet they should not be treated as servants who are there to just look after the grandchildren. They would of course, in most cases, do everything possible for the grandchildren out of sheer love for them. They would gladly sacrifice a lot for them, as much as they did for their own children who are the parents of the grandchildren. However, it should always be a spontaneous and natural gesture. It can never be a forced or coerced one.
Something that Mr. Barack Obama, the current President of the USA, had to say about grandparents is most revealing. He has had a complicated parental situation. His parents had divorced, his father had returned to Kenya and his mother had settled in Indonesia with her new husband. "My grandmother poured everything she had into me and helped to make me the man I am today," he said as he claimed nomination victory during the US Presidential Election.
This author is so fortunate to be blessed with two wonderful grandchildren. It has been a case of practicing paediatrics at home as well. They are still very young but have transformed our lives in a way that has made it ever so worthwhile. One hopes that one has been and would always be a guiding beacon in their lives. In return, right up to the present time and hopefully forever more, they have given us their unconditional love.
KEY POINTS
= Grandparents perform a crucial role in child rearing.
= They assume various roles as life dic tates.
= Grandparents are a boon to busy working parents.
= Their position is imperial at times, muted at others and goes underground whenev er required but it is generally solid all the time.
= Children and especially adolescents often adore and listen to the grandparents.
The writer would appreciate feedback from the readers. Please e-mail him at bjcp@sltnet.lk, bjcp@ymail.com
Courtesy - The Island
