DR. B. J. C. Perera
MBBS(Ceylon), DCH(Ceylon), DCH(England), MD(Paediatrics), FRCP(Edinburgh), FRCP(London), FRCPCH(United Kingdom), FSLCPaed, FCCP, FCGP(Sri Lanka) Consultant Paediatrician
The progression in development and growing up in children is fraught with of all kinds of challenges for many of them. In addition to the stresses imposed by the necessity to do well in studies, dealing with changes in body stature and the ever present need for personal achievements, there are quite a few other challenges that children may have to deal with during their childhood. One such issue that has come into prominence in the last few decades is teasing and bullying. It is certainly not something new but has come into the limelight more in modern times due to the many different ways in which it occurs and the amount of distress it causes. In some instances, it has assumed such grave proportions, that the situations has necessitated many authorities to specifically look at these as very special and complex problems in child rearing.
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Most unfortunately, teasing is often a part of growing up and almost every child experiences it. It is generally quite harmless and is perhaps a part of enjoyment in childhood. Some children take pleasure in making another child uncomfortable by adopting many different tactics. However, teasing is not always as innocuous as it seems. Words can cause pain. Teasing becomes bullying when it is repetitive or when there is a conscious intent to hurt another child. Bullying includes a range of behaviours all of which result in an imbalance of power among children. It can be verbal as in making threats and name-calling, psychological as is seen in instances of excluding children and spreading rumours or in some instances, bluntly physical as in hitting, pushing or forcibly taking a child’s possessions.
Nearly everyone and every child has been bullied at some time in their lives, perhaps by brothers and sisters, by neighbours, by adults or by other children in and outside the school. Bullying behaviour is prevalent throughout the world and it definitely and firmly cuts across socio-economic, racial, ethnic and cultural lines. Researchers estimate that 20 to 30 percent of school-age children are involved in bullying incidents, as either perpetrators or victims. Bullying can begin as early as preschool days and intensify during transitional stages, such as starting school in first grade or going into middle school. Victims of bullies are usually stereotyped as being loners, passive, quiet, sensitive, anxious, with low self esteem and they are often smaller and perhaps weaker than other children of the same age. Many of them are from overprotective homes. More importantly, they usually react to bullying by crying, acting out or withdrawing. Some victims may actually bring on the bullying attack by teasing or provoking a bully. Being the victim of a bully can lead to a child avoiding school and developing fear and anxiety about going to school. It can also cause a child to feel insecure and have feelings of low self worth and poor self-esteem. These can ultimately lead to depression and even violence, either against himself or herself or against the bully.
Children who are bullies may have problems with low self-esteem, but newer theories argue that bullies are driven more by a desire to have power over others and to be ‘in control’ than because they have poor self-esteem. The thing that is quite clear is that they have little or no empathy for their victims. They may also be aggressive, bossy, controlling, have a low level of self control and even have difficulty making friends. Bullies are also known to be more likely to develop criminal behaviours as adults. Children learn bullying behaviour from older children or from adults and often from television. Sometimes unconsciously, parents may repeat things their own parents said to them such as "Why are you always late?", "Why do you always lose everything?", can’t you act your age?". If children experience put-downs or physical punishment at home or in school and if they see frank emotional and psychological abuse go unchallenged, they believe this behaviour is acceptable. It is a general feature that bullies like to feel powerful and in control. They are insensitive to the feelings of others and are often defiant toward adults.
It is quite clear that gender does make a difference in this vexed topic of bullying. With girls, bullying is often subtle and indirect. Instead of snatching a toy from another child, a young girl might say, "Give me that toy or I will not be your friend anymore." Older girls can be mean without saying a word, by telling other girls not to be friends with a particular girl, giving her the silent treatment, rolling their eyes in class or making rude noises. Sometimes, girls make a hurtful remark and then pretend they did not mean it by saying "just kidding". These are rather subtle ways of intently hurting another child. Boys, on the other hand, tend to be more physical. Boys push each other or take someone’s shoes and put it in the garbage, but they do not hold grudges. One boy can do something really mean to another boy and then later the same day they will be pals again. These differences are quite important in view of the way in which such bullies of different genders behave. However, the impact of the problem on the victim is generally the same whether the occurrence is in boys or girls.
Children are most often bullied at school, usually on the playground or at lunchtime when they are more likely to have minimal supervision. It may also occur in the hallways between classes or on the school bus. It could also occur outside the school, on the roads, in vehicles that transport children to and from school and for that matter, even in the local neighbourhood where their homes are located. In any situation, the better supervised the children are, the less likely it is that bullying will occur. While all this may help one to understand why a bully acts the way he or she does, this does not necessarily help the victim to deal with the problem. For the victim, it is a persistent and repetitive ordeal that causes great distress.
If a child is the victim of a bully, he or she may suffer physically and emotionally. It is most likely to show up in deterioration of schoolwork. Victims of bullying often have trouble concentrating and school grades drop because instead of listening to the teacher, such children are wondering what they did wrong and whether anyone will sit with them at lunch. If bullying persists, they may be afraid to go to school. Problems with low self-esteem and depression can last into adulthood and interfere with personal and professional lives. Teasing and bullying create a classroom atmosphere that affects children’s ability to learn and teachers’ abilities to teach. Even children who are not directly involved can be distressed. Sometimes, even children who see bullying can be as traumatized as the victims because they fear becoming victims themselves. Besides, they feel guilty for not doing something to help. Bullies are affected too, even into adulthood. They may have difficulty forming positive relationships and are more likely to use tobacco and alcohol and, to be abusive spouses. Some studies have even found a correlation with later criminal activities.
Because victims of bullies often do not seek help or confide in anyone about the bullying, either for reasons of shame or embarrassment or fear that it will be worse if the bully finds out, it is important to look for signs of being bullied. School avoidance behaviours, chronic non-specific complaints such as headaches or stomach aches and problems with sleeping are some of the well recognised manifestations of the reactions of a child who is being bullied. In addition, subtle changes such as the child being somewhat afraid or anxious about going to school, changes in personality and behaviour or a significant change in school performance, may also be the presenting manifestations. Some other signs include increased passivity or withdrawal, frequent crying, unexplained bruises, significant changes in social life such as instances where suddenly no one is calling or extending invitations to the child and significant changes in the way a child talks especially episodes such as calling himself or herself a loser or calling a former friend a bit of a "jerk". One should consider bullying as a cause particularly if such changes are associated with the sort of personality stereotypes that are well known to be associated with susceptibility towards being bullied. If one suspects that a child may be a victim of a bully, one could ask him or her whether he or she is being teased at school or ask more open-ended questions, such as ‘What do you like to do at recess or interval times?’ or ‘at lunchtime?’ or ‘how are things generally progressing with you?’.
Parents need to give children the necessary space to talk. If the child recounts incidences of teasing or bullying, the parents need to be empathetic. One could then place the ball gently back in the child’s court by asking, "What do you think might help?"and perhaps "What works with your friends?". If the child has trouble verbalizing his or her feelings, some authorities suggest reading a story about children being teased or bullied. One could also use puppets, dolls or stuffed animals to encourage a young child to act out problems. Once the door has been opened, one could try to help the child to start "problem-solving". One could role-play situations and teach the child the different ways to respond effectively. The child could be taught to move on, make new friends, join teams and school clubs and generally widen his or her circle of associates and friends.
The parents can teach the child to walk away while staying calm and not running and perhaps firmly tell the bully to stop and leave him or her alone. It is also useful to teach the child to use humour and come up with a good comeback verbal retort when a bully teases him or her. It can also help if the child has high self-esteem and if he or she has some strong friendships so that the child is less of a target. Bullies generally do not try their antics with those in strong friendly groups. Another good ploy is to teach the child to make eye contact with others, especially the bully and to talk with a strong voice. Role playing situations where the child is being bullied may be helpful in teaching how to respond. Teach the child to try and make a joke of it. Replies do not have to be wonderfully brilliant or clever but it helps to have an answer ready. The child could practice saying them in front of the mirror at home. Using prepared replies works best if the bully is not too threatening and just needs to be put off. In such circumstances, the bully might just decide that the child is far too clever to pick on.
Things that a parent should avoid include teaching the child to fight back since he or she may get hurt and it may also get him or her into trouble at school. However, that does not mean that one cannot teach his or her child to be assertive and to show self-confidence. Parents often turn to enrolling their children in a martial arts class to try and sort out this problem but while this can be helpful to build the child’s self-esteem and help the child to be more assertive, the aim of the classes should not be so that he can fight back. Physical retaliation should generally be discouraged.
It is always a good thing to induce the child to tell a friend what is happening and ask him or her to help the child. It will be harder for the bully to pick on a child if he or she has a friend with him or her for support. Teach the child to try and ignore the bullying or say ‘No’ really firmly and then turn and walk away. The child should learn that it is very hard for the bully to go on bullying someone who will not stand still to listen. Bullies love to get a reaction and then for the bully, it becomes fun. If the victim can keep cool and hide the emotions, the bully is likely to get bored and leave that child alone. As one teenager said to the researchers in a study, "they cannot bully you if you do not care". Most bullies are bigger or stronger than the victim. If the victim fights back, it may make the situation worse and the child may get hurt or even be blamed for starting the trouble. The child should avoid being alone in the places where the bully is likely to pick on him or her. This might mean changing the route to school, avoiding parts of playground or only using common rooms or lavatories when other people are there. Sometimes asking the bully to repeat what they said can put them off. Very often bullies are not brave enough to repeat the remark exactly so they tone it down. If they repeat it, the child should realise that he or she has made them do something they had not planned on and this gives the victim some control of the situation.
It may also help to talk with school officials about the problem so that they can better supervise the children, observe the bully, intervene when necessary and also to teach the victims not to respond too strongly to the bully either by crying or giving in to demands. This is particularly important as the bully is more likely to continue bullying a child if he or she knows that he or she will get some sort of a response. It may also help to schedule a meeting between the parents of the children involved and school officials. In a very general sense, it is a most useful venture to educate all children about bullying and its consequences. Even if a child is not a victim of a bully, one could teach him or her to inform an adult if he or she sees a child being bullied.
It may come as a complete surprise to know that all sorts of people who are now very successful adults were bullied when they were young. It is certainly encouraging to know that it is possible to succeed, in spite of being tormented at school. The list incorporates very many famous and successful people including Barak Obama, David Beckham and Jessica Alba.
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